Do I want to be a mom? Changing social mores and medical breakthroughs have given women more to think about when contemplating parenthood these days
By ELIZABETH LARGE
STATEN ISLAND ADVANCE
November 06, 2003
Our mothers and grandmothers didn't think much about whether they would have children or not. That was simply what married women did; it was deemed their natural role in life. But today's women are searching their souls a little deeper, considering motherhood not only in terms of when -- but if.
In the past 20 years, the number of American women not having children has almost doubled, and society has grown more accepting of that choice. At the same time, though, advances in medicine have made it possible for older women to conceive, leaving motherhood a question to contemplate later in life. The result: Many women are in an emotional tug-of-war with themselves.
"Do I want to be a mother? Honestly, the answer changes daily," said Mya Fiore of Annadale. "Some days I see a baby and think 'Aww, (my husband) and I have to start trying,' but then I think about all the freedoms I'd lose and how I'd gain all this weight and how our lives would never be the same."
As her 35th birthday approaches, Mrs. Fiore knows she must make a decision "soon," but her concern is making the right one. She worries mainly if she has what it takes to raise a healthy and happy child.
"I'd like to think we'd make good parents, but then I second guess myself. I wonder, 'Will I discipline them right?' 'Will I teach them what they need to know to be successful?' 'Will I be able to protect them?' I honestly can't say for certain. All I do know is that if I decide not to become a Mom, I don't want to wake up one day and regret it."
Her dilemma is one felt by an increasing number of women. On the one hand, it's "What if I give up, or put on hold, a great career?" and "What if I don't like being a mother?" And on the other, it's "What if I decide not to have a child ... and then it's too late to change my mind?" In the end, it may be just a leap of faith.
At age 38, Abby Lattes has a 3-year-old and is pregnant with her second child. She says she was skeptical she was doing the right thing until the moment she gave birth. "It was a very difficult decision, but I've been shocked at how much I've enjoyed being a mother," says Mrs. Lattes, who lives in Baltimore and works as a public-relations consultant. "I probably over-intellectualized it. I took the risk and it's been terrific."
Still, there are women out there who fear taking the plunge. Maybe they have other life plans or maybe they're not ready to deal with the inherent changes motherhood involves. After all, once she gives birth, a woman's identity completely shifts. She's no longer primarily a teacher or a lawyer or whatever her profession is -- but a mother who is responsible for the life of another. No more can she leave the house on a whim for that daily jog or a visit with friends. Rather, such activities come to necessitate forethought and planning.
When is the best time for a woman to make her final choice on the motherhood issue? According to experts, it's when she and her partner feel ready. Yet, there is research to suggest that if one does want a child, sooner is better than later. A study in the journal Human Reproduction last year, for example, discussed that the decline in female fertility starts earlier than previously thought -- at age 27. So, women who once put off the decision now feel pressure to at least start thinking about it earlier.
It's complicated for single women, too. In past generations, the choice was pretty much made for them. But these days, even if they decide not to marry, they can still choose single motherhood or adoption. There's even a national organization, Single Mothers by Choice, for women having children outside of marriage.
To help women make what they call "the decision of a lifetime," Dr. Diana Dell and journalist Suzan Erem have co-written a book entitled "Do I Want to be a Mom?" (McGraw Hill, $14.95).
Having interviewed hundreds of women, the authors share stories on everything from getting pregnant to being an empty-nester to never wanting to be a mother at all. Rather than giving answers, though, they raise plenty of thoughtful questions. "People don't have extended family to talk to. They don't have a source for information, a reference manual," says Dr. Dell, an obstetrician/gynecologist and psychiatrist at Duke University Medical Center, Durham, N.C. "That's where this book is coming from."
Motherhood, added Dr. Dell -- who is unmarried and has no children -- is an automatic response based on an old-fashioned notion that if you don't have children, something is wrong. Since the advent of the Pill in the early 1960s, childbearing has been an individual decision, but for many, childbearing still involves automatic responses. "The purpose of the book is to pull up those automatic responses and take a look at them."
For her, it all boils down to: "Will I be happier with children or without them?" It's a question that's led to the perception of deliberately-childless women being selfish.
"People assume that all women have that maternal instinct, but not me," said Monique Reeses, a West Brighton attorney. "It's not that I dislike children. I adore my nieces, but I also love sending them home after awhile -- and no, that's not at all selfish."
She likes her life as is. She likes knowing that she can do as she pleases, without worrying about bottles and diapers -- or worse, crying fits and tantrums. "Motherhood isn't for me and I think if more people examined their thoughts on this, we'd have a lot less unwanted children in the world," she concluded.
The state of the world has given would-be mothers a lot to think about. In recent years, clinical psychologist Patti Friedman of Sinai Hospital in Baltimore has started to see a striking change in patients who were considering having a baby. "Since 9/11, women are afraid to leave their careers because their husbands' careers are becoming so tenuous," she said.
And as one who counsels women with postpartum depression, Dr. Friedman believes women considering motherhood have to ask themselves whether they're ready to put a baby's needs first for at least a year "unconditionally, 24/7."
She also advises women to think about the impact a baby will have on her marriage. "I see so many couples disengaging," she said. "They are more like high-functioning roommates. It's so important to really commit to scheduling time with your spouse, to have a 'date' at least once a month at first and then more often."
Beliefs and attitudes also need to be taken into consideration prior to getting pregnant, says Dr. Dell. A couple's differing faiths may become important for the first time and role changes need to be thought out. Is the new father willing to take over a greater share of household duties, for instance?
"A lot of people don't know how exhausting having a baby is," she added, calling the first few weeks after birth "baby boot camp." They don't realize how sensitive they may be to sleep deprivation. They think it's going to be like having a Gerber baby, and it's not."
Tamara Valles is a Lifestyle reporter at the Staten Island Advance. She can be contacted at valles@siadvance.com.
Choice resources -- Other books to help women make the decision that's right for them:
Beverly Engel, "The Parenthood Decision" (Doubleday, 1998)
Merle Bombardi, "The Baby Decision" (Rawson, Wade, 1981)
Elizabeth M. Whelan, "A BabyMaybe" (Bobbs, Merrill, 1975)
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